Platform- Building Challenge

Here's my attempt at a 200-word story with the opening words "The door swung open" and closing with "The door swung shut."

I just made this up and it's not from an existing WIP. Thanks to Rachael Harrie and the all the writers participating. I hope it doesn't suck too bad. Oh, and I hit two-hundred words exactly!

If you haven't yet, don't forget to check my post below for an interview with debut author K.M. Walton.

"WITHIN"


The door swung open.


This made things even weirder since the door wasn’t even there moments before.


I stared at the empty space, a dark chasm with floating blue lights twinkling within.


The question was: “Should I enter?”


I rubbed my wrists where the rope had been tied for so long.


I wasn’t crazy.


I was put here because people thought I was crazy.


But often, the first symptom of craziness, was saying, “I’m not crazy.”


If I could find a way back, I could prove my case.


That was all I needed.


A…way…to…get…back.


I took a ragged breath, then stood up and walked to the open door. My legs were stiff and my joints creaked. Cool air caressed my face and a fine mist settled on my bare arms. My nostrils flared at the scent of loamy soil or newly turned earth.


I drew closer. The blue lights were actually stars, pulsating in rhythm with my heartbeat.


I closed my eyes and stepped through.


My heart jumped to my throat.


I fell, my arms and legs pin-wheeling behind me, cold air blasting into my open mouth.


I’m not crazy…

I’m not crazy…

I’m not crazy…


The door swung shut.

33 comments:

Miranda Hardy said...

Nice and creepy. I love it. Very nicely done.

Dan said...

Cool story. Very trippy. Makes you want to know more about the this guy and whats going on with him.

Dan

Jess said...

Really cool and creepy! I LOVE IT! I really wish you had written more! I want to see what happens next! Nice to meet you!
(My entry is #235)

Ron Smith said...

Thanks guys!

Jess, I'll check out your story. That is, If I haven't already. I've read so many my head is spinning!

REINHARDT! said...

Ron, this is awesome. Totally atmospheric, and a great way to use the prompts! I've been so consistently wowed by these entries. This is really fun!

Elizabeth Varadan aka Mrs. Seraphina said...

Scary and evocative at the same time, suggesting so many questions: Blue pulsing lights that are stars? Cramped limbs. Why has he been confined like that? And a door that suddenly appeared. Nice atmosphere building.

BTW: Thanks for following me. And, because you are a new follower, you have one point in my book give-away contest. You can read the entry for Friday, August 26th to see how to get more points; the contests ends the evening of Friday, September 9th.

David Powers King said...

Having worked with the mentally ill, I can tell you that you've done a great job portraying a few symptoms.

"This made things even weirder since the door wasn’t even there moments before."

What a great way to shake up the opening! Great writing, Ron! :)

Ciara said...

NICE! I love creepy. :) I'm a new follower from the campaign.

Maeve Frazier said...

Nice! If this is just what you 'whip up'. I can't wait to read what you 'work on'. Love it!

Ron Smith said...

Thanks, everyone. Your comments mean a lot. Thanks for visiting.

K. M. Walton said...

You hooked me, Ron. I want to know what he's falling into. Nice writing!

Thanks again for the interview!

Alleged Author said...

Loved this but I hate to break it to the MC that he's probably crazy...or is he...maybe...LOL!

Ron Smith said...

Kate-my pleasure.

AA-I'm not sure. Maybe we'll find out one day!

Mina Burrows said...

Loved it. Creepy and crazy - really good, Ron! Part of me was saying "Jump, Jump, Jump!" :)

Ron Smith said...

Hi Mina. Thanks!

bridget said...

A nice description of losing control. Well done. Mine is #72

Elana Johnson said...

Ooh, playing the crazy card. I like it. I think this is something a lot of people can relate to, and you did a great job!

Christina Farley said...

This is creepy good like Poe. Loved the title.

Ron Smith said...

Thanks Bridget. I'll check out your entry.

Thanks, Elana. Coming from you that's a great compliment.

Christina--nice to see you. Poe? I wish. But hey, I'll take it!

Angelina C. Hansen said...

Gripping atmosphere. Well done!

Cindy said...

Very nice! I kept wanting to find out what was going to happen.

Zoraida Cordova said...

very cool !

Ron Smith said...

Thank you Angela, Cindy and Zoraida, and thanks for commenting!

Christine Danek said...

I really enjoyed this. I love creepy and dark. WEll done!

Tara said...

I really enjoyed this - it had such a...breezy...quality for such a deep piece.

Maeve Frazier said...

Hi Ron - I stopped by again to tell you that I have a blog award for you on my blog!

Ron Smith said...

Thank you Maeve!

Jennifer Hoffine said...

Cool! I liked it.

WritingNut said...

Ooh.. I absolutely loved it! Well done! :)

Ron Smith said...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments. Thanks for dropping by WritingNut!

Medeia Sharif said...

Awesome. I want to know what happens next to the MC.

Brenda Sills said...

Oh my word, I thoroughly enjoyed this! I love, love, love your voice! When you wrote " . . . the door wasn’t even there moments before." I smiled at the surprise of it, and the "I'm not crazy" parts were genius! The mood and feeling evoked by the piece were fantastic! Your character is so rich and marvelous! I just have to say, I love the way you write!

I'm a fellow campaigner - I'm not in your groups, but I wanted the fun of getting to know more writers. It's so great to meet you!

Ron Smith said...

Thanks for coming by, Medeia.

And Brenda! I have a big smile on my face after reading your comments.
I'm so glad you liked it.